Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Why I don’t get dates:
Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun
Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
HER: congratulations on having twins
HER: but there’s only two of them
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*