Why I don’t get dates:

Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun

Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time

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Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it


9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months


I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?


HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit


Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.


Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.


hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both


*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*