Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
calling in to work dehydrated
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.