Current relationship status:
Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
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him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY
A free corpse is a dead giveaway.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?
Her: You mean set the bag on fire
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.
My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.
I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.