Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ?
:-for the notifications to go away?
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’m gonna start Roman life on campus instead of Greek life and what you get to do is raid sororities and frats parties and take their stuff
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?