Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I thought this was funny lol
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.