@clichedout

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

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@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

@Vice_Queen

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

@jazmasta

[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Nah”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
“No”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…

@joshgondelman

My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.

@IamJackBoot

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

@PracticalBedlam

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.