Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You Might Also Like
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.