Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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Standing up in the bath real quick: free
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?