Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Ummm
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.