@mermaidsluvwine

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

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@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

@1CleverGirl1

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@jonnysun

JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL

@BellaBurnley

My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.

Should make him wonder a lil bit.

@ayyyyloser

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

@oldmanweldon

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

@theshantilly

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

@joeljeffrey

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

@sbellelauren

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”