Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Thursday Thought.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?