@mermaidsluvwine

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

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@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

@kingstonwrites

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@michaeljhudson

“I want a lady in a sheet and a creak in the bed” -haunted house designer

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@thenoahkinsey

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

@Be___Dope

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third