Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Sign of the day..
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”