Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.