My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
This hospital has everything
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.