@Bob_Janke

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

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@eddie_ferrero

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

@EndhooS

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

@InternetHippo

A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before

@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@OfficialBabyGal

Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.

@whatsupboosh

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

@jackiembouvier

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

@Steve_hamiltin

How’s everyone holding up ? It’s crazy out there. I’ve killed at least 15 zombies already !! Why are they all carrying candy ?

@TheIntComShow

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?