why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“