why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.