What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.