Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.