Why is everyone smiling at me today?

*checks fly*

*no pants*


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Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.


Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!


him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]


It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.


when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”


*baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let’s find out.


Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.


For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.