@LosLos__

Why is everyone smiling at me today?

*checks fly*

*no pants*

Aaaah.

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@HomeProbably

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

@Dana_Bruno

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

@LoveNLunchmeat

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

@goldengateblond

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

@d_duhwit

*baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let’s find out.

@mlccm

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

@lukejarret

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.