5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You Might Also Like
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Made something I’m not proud of
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS