Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby