Me, on my deathbed: I wish I had complained on the internet more
Why is everything so sticky?
You Might Also Like
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson.
The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.