Why is everything so sticky?


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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up


Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.


[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..


Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?


A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.


First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson.

The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.


I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.


Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.