If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Why is everything so sticky?
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Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Interviewer: holy shit
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
HORSE: *walks up to the bar*
ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?
HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry
*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water
My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose