Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.