Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
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I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Lol
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.