Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio

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2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone


Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b


Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.


You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.


Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..


[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?


People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.


if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor


I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.