Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.