Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.