@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

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@johndashgreen

Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.

@BrettDruck

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

@WilliamAder

Auto-correct turned “likeable” into “lickable” and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.

@Elizasoul80

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

@knot_eye

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

@Bob_Janke

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it