Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Auto-correct turned “likeable” into “lickable” and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Slightly obscure nerd jokes are best nerd jokes.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it