@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

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@AdamWeinstein

“WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU’RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN’T POOP”

@daemonic3

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

@Cheeseboy22

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

@Brianhopecomedy

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

@rodgernash

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

@JohnLyonTweets

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

@djdarrellripley

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

@andiedandie0

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

@Darlainky

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.