Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Oh my God.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“