ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Why is it always spiders? Why can’t I eat chicken wings in my sleep?
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I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I’m out of there within 4 hours.
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options