Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Risking my life for fun.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
What a year we’ve had this week.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-