@BipolarBearDick

Why is it always spiders? Why can’t I eat chicken wings in my sleep?

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@AllanForsyth

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

@NrouteHQ

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

@MikeCanRant

There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.

@Bob_Janke

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

@ComedicBust

As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I’m out of there within 4 hours.

@FredTaming

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@sarahcpr

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options