@daemonic3

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

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@WheelTod

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

@LurkAtHomeMom

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

@Social_Mime

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@CheryeDavis

According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”

@rzarosco

“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist

@Browtweaten

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello