Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Be the change you want to find beneath the sofa cushions.
One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”
“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness