@daemonic3: Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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@Kelly_skeleton: Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine....she's either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her
@ArfMeasures: Wife: ugh I can't remember my dream from last night Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak Wife: what no that wasn't it Dog *chops wood in half* wasn't what
@AbbieEvansXO: Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist? Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
@Gooooats: Me on the Phone: I'm going to "work" from home today. My Boss: I heard those air quotes.