Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
The days of good grammer has went
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Just so funny
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired