Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.