I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.