@blainecapatch

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

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@FU_TangClan

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

@ThugRaccoons

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@KlMBERLY_

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

@TheHyyyype

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

@AmberDonn

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@lillydancyger

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

@jellybnbonanza

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?