Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn’t sound normal.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals