why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’d love this…lol
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.