If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?
When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂