@blainecapatch

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

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@petemandik

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

@doublewenis

My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn’t sound normal.

@JoParkerBear

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

@NikiWithIssues

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

@MartaEffing

Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

@Chhapiness

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals