@blainecapatch

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

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@AndrewNadeau0

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

@1par8head

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

@dubouchet

When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)

@krisv_723

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

@AbrasiveGhost

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂