Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Living the best life.. 😊
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.