Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”