At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
You Might Also Like
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I’m confused about plants
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”