@TheIronSherk

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

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@2Saddington

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

@Sean_Burgundy_

I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in

@Dawn_M_

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

@laughandrun

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

@Jay_FrickinLynn

M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
H: What?
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.

@BillMc7

Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn’t think of this.

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

@theabstractass

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

@IAmKatieOrr

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”