Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.