Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
*3.5 thank you very much.