Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My neck my back my allergy attack
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.