@kodeeezzzy

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

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@TheAndrewNadeau

Millennials, quit whining. I paid off $150,000 in student loans and own a $400,000 home, because I SAVE. It’s not that hard. I
-Make coffee at home
-Bus instead of Uber
-Shop sales
-Had parents pay off my loans & buy me a house because I’m daddy’s special boy
-Got Hulu with ads

@PaperFury

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

@NewDadNotes

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

@SallingsSam

For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.

@weinerdog4life

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

@saltymamas

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

@StephJoLanders

Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.

@Dawn_M_

Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.