Millennials, quit whining. I paid off $150,000 in student loans and own a $400,000 home, because I SAVE. It’s not that hard. I
-Make coffee at home
-Bus instead of Uber
-Had parents pay off my loans & buy me a house because I’m daddy’s special boy
-Got Hulu with ads
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Me: starting now.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.
Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.