Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Spring of Deception
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.