I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
You Might Also Like
If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it