Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
You Might Also Like
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
☺️
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?