*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
You Might Also Like
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here
ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
TacoBell – America’s preferred over-the-counter laxative
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”