Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.
Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?
You Might Also Like
[ from bed ]
damnit it didn’t work again
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
*At the bank
Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP!
Me:Looks like a gun
M:Well, ‘THIS IS A GUN’ is way scarier
Teller:He’s got a point
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Day 4: Still under her bed. She continues to put the toilet paper roll on upside down. It’s like I’m living with a monster.