@Cryptic1iam

Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?

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@laura_payton

Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.

@carbsley

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

@mack44_d

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

@better_off_dad

*At the bank

Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP!

Me:Looks like a gun

R:SHUT UP!

M:Well, ‘THIS IS A GUN’ is way scarier

Teller:He’s got a point

@Rollmaninoz

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@markydoodoo

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

@MiddleageM

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

@thatUPSdude

(Stalker Diary)

Day 4: Still under her bed. She continues to put the toilet paper roll on upside down. It’s like I’m living with a monster.