My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”
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9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: Cleaning the basement.
12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.
13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.
Yep…throwing out HER crap.
I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.