Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.