@Sickayduh

WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”

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@PajamaStew

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

@thatUPSdude

Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”

@_Tempo11

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

@kiralc

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

@SvnSxty

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

@AmishPornStar1

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

@KevinBuffalo

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??

@longwall26

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

@ElleOhHell

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

@Megatronic13

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE