@Sickayduh

WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”

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@3sunzzz

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

@Book_Krazy

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

@amazymay72x

Me: Cleaning the basement.

12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.

13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.

Yep…throwing out HER crap.

@Midgetspar

I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.

@Robert_Beau

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

@_steamy_mac

Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.

@JohnLyonTweets

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

@MomesTheWord

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

@newportdaddy

Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.