If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”
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Things never heard before sex,
“Wait let me take off my crocs first”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE