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If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.


Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”


I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.


“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”


Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting


I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.


I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??


Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten


A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.


Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE