@JeffMyspace

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

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@KaysNH

If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”

@AndyAsAdjective

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

@dubstep4dads

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

@korryduke

Hey people with one syllable names…… Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks

@farleftcoast

Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.

@Intooblivion3

Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.

@ValeeGrrl

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

@poizngrl

My need for caffeine is so bad I’m going to AA for the free coffee