Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
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My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?