why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
happy valentine’s day to me
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
welp
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.