Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

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Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore


Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…


I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.

Casualties have been immense… & delicious


Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.


The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.


Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?


Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !


Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.