@WhaJoTalkinBout

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

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@dumbbeezie

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

@doggiedogthedog

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

@shegotagronk

I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.

Casualties have been immense… & delicious

@TheMichaelRock

Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.

@AnnietheNanny1

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

@davepell

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

@SteveKoehler22

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

@LeahGoRound

Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.