Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Wednesday
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.