@WhaJoTalkinBout

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

You Might Also Like

@BradBroaddus

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

@anjeanettec

Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.

@T_Bonezzz_

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

@sixfootcandy

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

@FredTaming

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

@daddydoubts

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

@TopherKearby

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.