Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.