I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.