Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”