The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me too door. Me too.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.