Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
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WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I’m giving up for Lent.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time