My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
the #horror is real!
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough